so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
