I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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