We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
