Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
