So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
