i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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