If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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