dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
