my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
