Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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