sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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