I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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