Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
