just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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