Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
