im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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