It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
