Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
