Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
