I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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