My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
