I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
