It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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