I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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