First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
