On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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