If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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