I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
