you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
