I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
