I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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