Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
