i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
