On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
