my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
