Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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