I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just pynch a tree in the face
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
