I just threw up on my dentist
Ketchup is God's man juice
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
