We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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