I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
