I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
do nipples grow back?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
