too bad you live with your parents still
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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