Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
