I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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