SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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