Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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