can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize