I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
