WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
