i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
