Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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