My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
