My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
