filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
