I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
