Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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