Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize